Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
life, love, and the mathetai house
my roommates for next year... seriously, the most beautiful girls i know. how come i have to live with the most photogenic group of girls on the planet? please explain that one to me. please.
p.s. i got lightroom (!!!!!). can you tell?
p.s.s if you want to see more, they're on facebook. i am still figuring out how to use blogger.
p.s. i got lightroom (!!!!!). can you tell?
p.s.s if you want to see more, they're on facebook. i am still figuring out how to use blogger.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
happy [late] earth day!
i know. it was a few days ago. but since i just now started back up and blogging, i figured i was allotted some grace to celebrate it, again.
i also know that i am terribly late jumping onto the food, inc bandwagon... but, in reality, i have been agreeing with everything that movie is about for a long time. i loved the movie and was excited, and horrified, to learn more about what encompasses our food industry today. it makes me want to be even more serious about my food choices, taking the time to know where my nutrition comes from, how it was produced, etc... maybe the popsicle run wasn't the best idea, in reality. also, the movie made me want to become a vegetarian again. if i find a way to healthily be gluten-free, lactose-free, and vegetarian whilst still eating at saga, where the gluten free choices consistently contain meat, i would have found a miracle. but maybe after college, when i have a little more choice in what i buy and consume, i can try it yet again. i can at least take heart in saga's environmental friendly approach to cafeteria dining. as much as i get frustrated with my lack of choices, i am incredibly thankful for their intentionality to choose the local, healthier, and safer options.
seriously though. if you haven't watched the movie yet, you should. here is the trailer:
and you can watch the full-length film here
it's overwhelming, a bit. but i have found it really only takes some research and intentionality. websites like eatwild.com, foodroutes.org, and localfooddude.com are dedicated to helping support and encourage the consumption of locally grown foods - fruits, veggies, dairy products, and meats. sometimes, i know, it can feel like walking up against a brick wall, but that's exactly how the food industry wants us to feel. i am not, in no way, a supporter of capitalism, but i cannot escape the fact that i am living in a capitalistic society. therefore, i also cannot ignore my role as the consumer and the power such a role gives. consumption drives the market and if consumption fails, somethings gotta give.
hmmm. so many thoughts... all too unplanned, unorganized, and unrealistic to actually form into a full argument. but i am sure it will come soon.
how's that for my first, informative post? not too bad, eh? =)
i also know that i am terribly late jumping onto the food, inc bandwagon... but, in reality, i have been agreeing with everything that movie is about for a long time. i loved the movie and was excited, and horrified, to learn more about what encompasses our food industry today. it makes me want to be even more serious about my food choices, taking the time to know where my nutrition comes from, how it was produced, etc... maybe the popsicle run wasn't the best idea, in reality. also, the movie made me want to become a vegetarian again. if i find a way to healthily be gluten-free, lactose-free, and vegetarian whilst still eating at saga, where the gluten free choices consistently contain meat, i would have found a miracle. but maybe after college, when i have a little more choice in what i buy and consume, i can try it yet again. i can at least take heart in saga's environmental friendly approach to cafeteria dining. as much as i get frustrated with my lack of choices, i am incredibly thankful for their intentionality to choose the local, healthier, and safer options.
seriously though. if you haven't watched the movie yet, you should. here is the trailer:
and you can watch the full-length film here
it's overwhelming, a bit. but i have found it really only takes some research and intentionality. websites like eatwild.com, foodroutes.org, and localfooddude.com are dedicated to helping support and encourage the consumption of locally grown foods - fruits, veggies, dairy products, and meats. sometimes, i know, it can feel like walking up against a brick wall, but that's exactly how the food industry wants us to feel. i am not, in no way, a supporter of capitalism, but i cannot escape the fact that i am living in a capitalistic society. therefore, i also cannot ignore my role as the consumer and the power such a role gives. consumption drives the market and if consumption fails, somethings gotta give.
hmmm. so many thoughts... all too unplanned, unorganized, and unrealistic to actually form into a full argument. but i am sure it will come soon.
how's that for my first, informative post? not too bad, eh? =)
an early morning.
i woke up at 4:30 this morning. for no apparent reason, besides the fact that my throat was terribly swollen and raw. as i lay in bed, i could seriously ONLY think of how wonderful a popsicle sounded. so i dragged my sore self out of bed, put on a sweatshirt and made haste for jewel. thank goodness it opened at five. i grabbed some orange juice along with my frozen relief and ate three, two cherries and an orange, on my way home... cherry is definitely my favorite. i had to brush my teeth twice to get the color stains off.
i couldn't go back to bed, and since church didn't start until 10:45... i had a lot of time to kill.
it's amazing the things you can get done in the morning! not only did i finally get around to watching food, inc... i bought a few (awesome!!) vintage dresses off of etsy (not too much damage to the wallet, but still, i blame my rationalizations on the wee hours), i cleaned my room, did some yoga, and even had time for a little reading. i am currently reading through pride and prejudice for the third time and, literally, it has kept me sane these past few weeks.
it was refreshing, surprisingly.
i couldn't go back to bed, and since church didn't start until 10:45... i had a lot of time to kill.
it's amazing the things you can get done in the morning! not only did i finally get around to watching food, inc... i bought a few (awesome!!) vintage dresses off of etsy (not too much damage to the wallet, but still, i blame my rationalizations on the wee hours), i cleaned my room, did some yoga, and even had time for a little reading. i am currently reading through pride and prejudice for the third time and, literally, it has kept me sane these past few weeks.
it was refreshing, surprisingly.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
mumm-ra
i came across these guys a few days back. i really like them. the first song below was featured in (500) days of summer... one of my favorites soundtracks ever. and its a great movie. (i want to be summer finn, please.)
take a listen. they're worth your time, i think.
but, don't get too hooked. i am pretty sure they broke up after only one album. silly boys.
take a listen. they're worth your time, i think.
but, don't get too hooked. i am pretty sure they broke up after only one album. silly boys.
the lights are out in my bathroom...
and i'm back.
its been a long time away, i suppose. ha. its like i assume people actual read this.
whatever.
school's almost out. i can smell summer swarming its sweltering self toward my unsuspecting body. it is enticing me away from any hopes of getting my work done. somehow, planning my life out for the next three months is way more interesting than writing papers.
funny how that works.
for the first time in years, i am going home for more than three weeks. its quite an exciting and romantic thought, actually. makes it hard to focus on everything that is going on here. and trust me there is a lot to do around these parts. papers. finals. closing duties. goodbyes. and don't remind me we only have two weeks left. that just stresses me out more.
so far. here is my list for the summer:
1) books. read them. seems simple enough. i have about five that i bought at the theology conference wheaton held a few weeks back and, like the nerd i am, i am incredibly pumped to thumb through them.
2) thrift stores. i would like some new (well, old) clothes. my wardrobe has ashamedly turned into practicality. it needs some spice. not that practicality is bad, necessarily, mind you.
3) with that, cleaning my life out. literally and figuratively, i have a lot of crap that i need to sort through. i am eagerly anticipating to do some sorting this summer.
4) picture taking. lots of them.
5) dance classes. because i want to listen to my inner ballerina that i have stifled all these years
6) yoga. yes. please.
7) running. maybe... this is a hopeful statement.
8) little five points
9) family time. i miss them
10) rest. and lots of it.
and, of course. i will be working in between all these things. i have a pretty sweet job lined up. interning at my church. should be interesting, actually. i am pretty pumped. i have no desire, really, to go into church ministry after graduation, but i will be working with their high schoolers. more specifically, i will be working with their community formation team - forming small groups and helping to facilitate that. i figure i could learn a thing or two from it, even though i have no future goals of working in a church. the Lord provided. i don't know why he wants me there, but he provided. and i am, in no way, complaining.
its been a long time away, i suppose. ha. its like i assume people actual read this.
whatever.
school's almost out. i can smell summer swarming its sweltering self toward my unsuspecting body. it is enticing me away from any hopes of getting my work done. somehow, planning my life out for the next three months is way more interesting than writing papers.
funny how that works.
for the first time in years, i am going home for more than three weeks. its quite an exciting and romantic thought, actually. makes it hard to focus on everything that is going on here. and trust me there is a lot to do around these parts. papers. finals. closing duties. goodbyes. and don't remind me we only have two weeks left. that just stresses me out more.
so far. here is my list for the summer:
1) books. read them. seems simple enough. i have about five that i bought at the theology conference wheaton held a few weeks back and, like the nerd i am, i am incredibly pumped to thumb through them.
2) thrift stores. i would like some new (well, old) clothes. my wardrobe has ashamedly turned into practicality. it needs some spice. not that practicality is bad, necessarily, mind you.
3) with that, cleaning my life out. literally and figuratively, i have a lot of crap that i need to sort through. i am eagerly anticipating to do some sorting this summer.
4) picture taking. lots of them.
5) dance classes. because i want to listen to my inner ballerina that i have stifled all these years
6) yoga. yes. please.
7) running. maybe... this is a hopeful statement.
8) little five points
9) family time. i miss them
10) rest. and lots of it.
and, of course. i will be working in between all these things. i have a pretty sweet job lined up. interning at my church. should be interesting, actually. i am pretty pumped. i have no desire, really, to go into church ministry after graduation, but i will be working with their high schoolers. more specifically, i will be working with their community formation team - forming small groups and helping to facilitate that. i figure i could learn a thing or two from it, even though i have no future goals of working in a church. the Lord provided. i don't know why he wants me there, but he provided. and i am, in no way, complaining.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
i can't write this paper...
so i dance, round n' round, in my head.
and in my room.
currently arcade fire. then some thomas function. and animal collective. maybe some youth group. and noah and the whale.
and, of course, some black eyed peas.
oh the freedom that comes when no one is watching. sometimes i praise the Lord for my single dorm room.
but only sometimes.
and in my room.
currently arcade fire. then some thomas function. and animal collective. maybe some youth group. and noah and the whale.
and, of course, some black eyed peas.
oh the freedom that comes when no one is watching. sometimes i praise the Lord for my single dorm room.
but only sometimes.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
forward march.
you peel
and feel,
scratching at the inner walls
of a heart, weakened
from flightless desperation.
i sit,
embarrassed in
the utmost and mortifying way.
i know now the wrong
doings of my pathetic choice to stay.
fade away.
beneath the
gray sky. you no longer
have hold on me. your words
no longer lie to my willing ears.
and feel,
scratching at the inner walls
of a heart, weakened
from flightless desperation.
i sit,
embarrassed in
the utmost and mortifying way.
i know now the wrong
doings of my pathetic choice to stay.
fade away.
beneath the
gray sky. you no longer
have hold on me. your words
no longer lie to my willing ears.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
elane
gray. her hair was gray.
and she liked to wear purple. and elephants.
her heart danced in a way that that her swollen feet could not. her smile, her laugh, her song. joy emitted beneath a body ridden with age and diabetes. her hands were soft and small, and yet their wrinkles shouted strength, weathered from years of powdered milk and food stamps. and three young boys to raise.
she always wore pink on her lips and topaz on her ears. and her necklaces always jingled the same exact tune. a creature of habit, i had assumed. now i wonder if she was merely physically, emotionally or mentally incapable of picking anything else.
her eyes shone, bright despite the past pains. long gone struggles. nights wondering where the next meal to come. days alone, while her husband tried to make ends meet.
i know her eyes shone. i can see it in the pictures and i know it my head. i try to tell myself over and over. because i know it to be true. over and over. her eyes. they shone. sparkled. lustrous. brilliant. tiny spheres of happiness.
but, in my heart, i can only see her haunting, lifeless eyes. dark and blank, like her mind. only those eyes are what i see. in every memory. in every dream.
because, for some reason, all i really remember are the days she began to slip away.
and she liked to wear purple. and elephants.
her heart danced in a way that that her swollen feet could not. her smile, her laugh, her song. joy emitted beneath a body ridden with age and diabetes. her hands were soft and small, and yet their wrinkles shouted strength, weathered from years of powdered milk and food stamps. and three young boys to raise.
she always wore pink on her lips and topaz on her ears. and her necklaces always jingled the same exact tune. a creature of habit, i had assumed. now i wonder if she was merely physically, emotionally or mentally incapable of picking anything else.
her eyes shone, bright despite the past pains. long gone struggles. nights wondering where the next meal to come. days alone, while her husband tried to make ends meet.
i know her eyes shone. i can see it in the pictures and i know it my head. i try to tell myself over and over. because i know it to be true. over and over. her eyes. they shone. sparkled. lustrous. brilliant. tiny spheres of happiness.
but, in my heart, i can only see her haunting, lifeless eyes. dark and blank, like her mind. only those eyes are what i see. in every memory. in every dream.
because, for some reason, all i really remember are the days she began to slip away.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
comfort food
...or rather lack thereof.
hard day, hard week, hard semester, hard flippin' year - all you want is something good to eat. something savory - like cereal, for example. or grilled cheese. or ice cream. or maybe, even, just a piece of bread. with some peanut butter.
please?
... i just realized twix has gluten in it. crap. i have eaten a plethora of mini twix bars within the last ten minutes. and i never once thought about the yummy, crunchy wafer middle. crap crap crap. oh well. headaches galooore tomorrow, i suppose...
stupid stupid food allergies.
how i hate you all.
hard day, hard week, hard semester, hard flippin' year - all you want is something good to eat. something savory - like cereal, for example. or grilled cheese. or ice cream. or maybe, even, just a piece of bread. with some peanut butter.
please?
... i just realized twix has gluten in it. crap. i have eaten a plethora of mini twix bars within the last ten minutes. and i never once thought about the yummy, crunchy wafer middle. crap crap crap. oh well. headaches galooore tomorrow, i suppose...
stupid stupid food allergies.
how i hate you all.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
recently
the only words i can express when i enter into the presence of the Lord seem to be:
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.
it has literally become my breath-prayer. said, over and over with the patterns of my lungs...
(in) Lord Jesus Christ... (out) have mercy on me.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.
it has literally become my breath-prayer. said, over and over with the patterns of my lungs...
(in) Lord Jesus Christ... (out) have mercy on me.
Monday, February 8, 2010
realization
i don't know how to do life.
there, i said it.
i suck at life.
at relationships
at being an RA
at love
at community
at anything of any particular consequence.
sometimes, i wish it would all leave me behind. just go ahead and move on without me.
it would be so much easier that way.
there, i said it.
i suck at life.
at relationships
at being an RA
at love
at community
at anything of any particular consequence.
sometimes, i wish it would all leave me behind. just go ahead and move on without me.
it would be so much easier that way.
blue skies
'this is the last song i write, while i'm still in love with you... while you're even on my mind...
cause it's time to leave those feelings behind. i'll do anything to be happy'
... yeah right.
please leave me alone. i cannot take this anymore.
cause it's time to leave those feelings behind. i'll do anything to be happy'
... yeah right.
please leave me alone. i cannot take this anymore.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
conversations...
"ha. we know. i speak for the lot of us."
"i should write a book. it should be titled 'things i learned while dating a philosopher.'"
"haha. well trust me. i can defend myself every time. not that i'm always justified in it, but i'm more or less
"i should write a book. it should be titled 'things i learned while dating a philosopher.'"
"haha. well trust me. i can defend myself every time. not that i'm always justified in it, but i'm more or less
my days recently
wake up
go to breakfast with a girl on my floor
nap
homework
go to chapel
go to class
lunch with a girl on my floor
nap
homework
yoga
dinner with a girl on my floor
clean my room (because i can sufficiently dirty it within a day)
hang out with girls on my floor
homework
sleep
i need a break
go to breakfast with a girl on my floor
nap
homework
go to chapel
go to class
lunch with a girl on my floor
nap
homework
yoga
dinner with a girl on my floor
clean my room (because i can sufficiently dirty it within a day)
hang out with girls on my floor
homework
sleep
i need a break
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
eavesdropping
"today is deaf chapel..."
"how is that going to work?
laughing "i was wondering the same thing."
it took all my strength to not turn around and slap them.
Lord, open our ears to the unheard
our eyes to the unseen.
we are so ridiculously ignorant.
"how is that going to work?
laughing "i was wondering the same thing."
it took all my strength to not turn around and slap them.
Lord, open our ears to the unheard
our eyes to the unseen.
we are so ridiculously ignorant.
crossroad
i am sitting in night class.
it's been two hours thus far. two freakishly long hours.
good god.
i pass the time researching everything that has been wrong with my life, trying to fit pieces together. but as hard as i try, nothing seems to fit. it gets frustrating after while, and so i quit. start paying attention. i have never been able focus long enough to attempt puzzles anyways.
i have thomas function running through my head and its killing me. literally killing me.
seriously. where the heck did they come from? and why can't i stop singing those lyrics.
she said i was "highly" ADD.
and that i, "most likely", have a learning disorder.
well thanks. i am a junior in college and you are telling me that now. i feel betrayed. angered, really. i have tried so... so, for lack of better word, fucking hard my whole life and you are telling me that i could have made it easier? that there is a way out of this hole of frustration. a way over this wall of struggle.
seriously. thanks.
you have exhausted me. i can literally feel my neurons shooting sporadically around in my brain. it's wonderful, this brand new sensation, let me tell you.
so i here i am. (arms open so, so wide)
standing at a crossroads.
i can't tell where i should go, which path i should choose. i have "coped" for so long. and if i continue to cope, it would be so much easier for so many people so drenched in denial. it would be easier, and yet so much harder. but should i just swallow my pride, my discomfort, my frustration in order to please those whom i love?
and then there are those little things called principles...
stupid principles...
it's been two hours thus far. two freakishly long hours.
good god.
i pass the time researching everything that has been wrong with my life, trying to fit pieces together. but as hard as i try, nothing seems to fit. it gets frustrating after while, and so i quit. start paying attention. i have never been able focus long enough to attempt puzzles anyways.
i have thomas function running through my head and its killing me. literally killing me.
...“In the asshole of the gutter I have found a little peace, I open up my mouth and try to sing myself to sleep”...
seriously. where the heck did they come from? and why can't i stop singing those lyrics.
she said i was "highly" ADD.
and that i, "most likely", have a learning disorder.
well thanks. i am a junior in college and you are telling me that now. i feel betrayed. angered, really. i have tried so... so, for lack of better word, fucking hard my whole life and you are telling me that i could have made it easier? that there is a way out of this hole of frustration. a way over this wall of struggle.
seriously. thanks.
you have exhausted me. i can literally feel my neurons shooting sporadically around in my brain. it's wonderful, this brand new sensation, let me tell you.
so i here i am. (arms open so, so wide)
standing at a crossroads.
i can't tell where i should go, which path i should choose. i have "coped" for so long. and if i continue to cope, it would be so much easier for so many people so drenched in denial. it would be easier, and yet so much harder. but should i just swallow my pride, my discomfort, my frustration in order to please those whom i love?
and then there are those little things called principles...
stupid principles...
Monday, February 1, 2010
(hard) keys
public safety broke my id.
well, no. not really. i sat on it and it cracked. they just failed to program it correctly.
consequently. i have to use my lovely set of hard keys to get my lonesome self into my room.
i love using my hard keys. i like the way they jingle. clank. and weigh my pocket down. and that they're incredibly hard to lose. i feel grown up for once in my life, and in a way, these keys have turned my dorm room into an apartment which i can call my own. they make me long for the future; i can smell its breath on the tip of my tongue. it entices me, playfully. and i'm lovin it.
it's been three weeks and i haven't felt the need to fix the problem...
gah. let's move. you and i. away from here. far far away. from wheaton. from college. from childhood.
in fact, let's go to portland. we can drive. just you and i. with the wind, cascading over the tips of our fingers, will come our freedom; the warmth in our laughter is all the love we will need. our kisses will quench our thirst, our embraces will fill our hunger. let's drop it all and leave. they might miss us, but we surely won't miss them.
well, no. not really. i sat on it and it cracked. they just failed to program it correctly.
consequently. i have to use my lovely set of hard keys to get my lonesome self into my room.
i love using my hard keys. i like the way they jingle. clank. and weigh my pocket down. and that they're incredibly hard to lose. i feel grown up for once in my life, and in a way, these keys have turned my dorm room into an apartment which i can call my own. they make me long for the future; i can smell its breath on the tip of my tongue. it entices me, playfully. and i'm lovin it.
it's been three weeks and i haven't felt the need to fix the problem...
gah. let's move. you and i. away from here. far far away. from wheaton. from college. from childhood.
in fact, let's go to portland. we can drive. just you and i. with the wind, cascading over the tips of our fingers, will come our freedom; the warmth in our laughter is all the love we will need. our kisses will quench our thirst, our embraces will fill our hunger. let's drop it all and leave. they might miss us, but we surely won't miss them.
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