realization

i don't know how to do life.

there, i said it.

i suck at life.

at relationships
at being an RA
at love
at community
at anything of any particular consequence.

sometimes, i wish it would all leave me behind. just go ahead and move on without me.



it would be so much easier that way.

blue skies

'this is the last song i write, while i'm still in love with you... while you're even on my mind...

cause it's time to leave those feelings behind. i'll do anything to be happy'







... yeah right.


please leave me alone. i cannot take this anymore.

crossroad

i am sitting in night class.

it's been two hours thus far. two freakishly long hours.

good god.

i pass the time researching everything that has been wrong with my life, trying to fit pieces together. but as hard as i try, nothing seems to fit. it gets frustrating after while, and so i quit. start paying attention. i have never been able focus long enough to attempt puzzles anyways.

i have thomas function running through my head and its killing me. literally killing me.

...“In the asshole of the gutter I have found a little peace, I open up my mouth and try to sing myself to sleep”...

seriously. where the heck did they come from? and why can't i stop singing those lyrics.

she said i was "highly" ADD.

and that i, "most likely", have a learning disorder.

well thanks. i am a junior in college and you are telling me that now. i feel betrayed. angered, really. i have tried so... so, for lack of better word, fucking hard my whole life and you are telling me that i could have made it easier? that there is a way out of this hole of frustration. a way over this wall of struggle.

seriously. thanks.

you have exhausted me. i can literally feel my neurons shooting sporadically around in my brain. it's wonderful, this brand new sensation, let me tell you.

so i here i am. (arms open so, so wide)

standing at a crossroads.

i can't tell where i should go, which path i should choose. i have "coped" for so long. and if i continue to cope, it would be so much easier for so many people so drenched in denial. it would be easier, and yet so much harder. but should i just swallow my pride, my discomfort, my frustration in order to please those whom i love?

and then there are those little things called principles...

stupid principles...

among these life, liberty, and the pursuit of selfishness

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/30/us/30airlift.html

for lack of better words

my. head. hurts.

period.

stupid flu.

nothing much to write, really. it's hard to write when everything hurts so badly. gosh. i want to cry but no tears will come. and yes, it's because of what you think it's because. if you think you know what i am talking about...

"Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart

And all is darkened in the vale of tears;

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fulness all He takes away."

(I love this verse! I had never heard it before chapel today. The Lord knew I needed it.)

isolation.

apparently running a fever and body aches are enough to get you isolated for a few days.

great.

just what i needed.

time by myself.

to think.

and dwell in all the things that are going through my mind right now.

yessssssss.