home...

i have been thinking a lot about it.

and honestly. i am not sure anymore. because if i can't feel at home here, can i really be at home anyplace else?

this summer has been, well, slightly different than i had originally thought. and that is because i generally have incredibly high expectations for whatever and however i do things. it's a problem actually. but whatever. that is a post for another day, i presume.

this summer was also hard. not hard in the way that i am used to. summers used to be constantly going... back and forth, never stopping. but not this tim. i mean, i could sleep basically whenever i wanted. i could read whatever i wanted. watch whatever i wanted. besides that 16 page research paper in the beginning - i was free to do whatever i wanted.

and i did. and it tasted sweet.

at some points.

but "freedom" fails to find satisfaction when you're alone, i feel.

my family is wonderful. simply wonderful and i love them. with all the understanding i can muster for the word 'love' ("what is love? baby don't hurt me, don't..." sorry. whole new post, i predict). yet, coming back home after three years away... things are bound to change. their worlds can't stop for mine. and they didn't. they tried, but i understood. and so many nights, i spent reading. or sewing (a fine new habit i have picked up). alone.

and i felt strangely foreign in my own house. separated from the other inhabitants... i am rethinking my insistence to have my own space. like a guest. and honored guest, mind you. but a guest nonetheless.

so i am left with this: where is home?

there is this song by edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros. i have been listening to it constantly recently. seems to capture my desire for answers.

sorry for the crappy youtube (butts and such) performance. but internet sucks at my house and it was too much of an hassle to store the song... and whatever. i love her short hair though. if i had a longer face, maybe. but i think short hair would make my face look incredibly round and fat.

the lazarus affect

i know i have been posting a lot of videos recently, but i haven't quite found enough inspiration to get myself to write. hopefully it will come soon, but until then... i thought this was interesting. incredible, really.

listing

because it's way more fun than writing my paper.

things that are getting me through:
1) frozen chais
2) my ipod... specifically hall & oates. (thank god for the eighties)
3) gelatto
4) with that, lactaid pills
5) rolled down windows
6) my bike. (it's blue, it's vintage, it's my baby)
7) bright green cups at la spiaza. and straws.
8) tulips
9) yellow dresses
10) texting my mom

things that are NOT getting me through:
1) sunshine tempting me away from my studies
2) finals
3) checking 50 girls out of their rooms
4) finals
5) headaches from lack of sleep and stress
6) finals
7) realizing just how horrible i am at chemistry
8) finals
9) seriously having no motivation
10) oh... and did i mention finals?

happy [late] earth day!

i know. it was a few days ago. but since i just now started back up and blogging, i figured i was allotted some grace to celebrate it, again.

i also know that i am terribly late jumping onto the food, inc bandwagon... but, in reality, i have been agreeing with everything that movie is about for a long time. i loved the movie and was excited, and horrified, to learn more about what encompasses our food industry today. it makes me want to be even more serious about my food choices, taking the time to know where my nutrition comes from, how it was produced, etc... maybe the popsicle run wasn't the best idea, in reality. also, the movie made me want to become a vegetarian again. if i find a way to healthily be gluten-free, lactose-free, and vegetarian whilst still eating at saga, where the gluten free choices consistently contain meat, i would have found a miracle. but maybe after college, when i have a little more choice in what i buy and consume, i can try it yet again. i can at least take heart in saga's environmental friendly approach to cafeteria dining. as much as i get frustrated with my lack of choices, i am incredibly thankful for their intentionality to choose the local, healthier, and safer options.

seriously though. if you haven't watched the movie yet, you should. here is the trailer:



and you can watch the full-length film here

it's overwhelming, a bit. but i have found it really only takes some research and intentionality. websites like eatwild.com, foodroutes.org, and localfooddude.com are dedicated to helping support and encourage the consumption of locally grown foods - fruits, veggies, dairy products, and meats. sometimes, i know, it can feel like walking up against a brick wall, but that's exactly how the food industry wants us to feel. i am not, in no way, a supporter of capitalism, but i cannot escape the fact that i am living in a capitalistic society. therefore, i also cannot ignore my role as the consumer and the power such a role gives. consumption drives the market and if consumption fails, somethings gotta give.

hmmm. so many thoughts... all too unplanned, unorganized, and unrealistic to actually form into a full argument. but i am sure it will come soon.

how's that for my first, informative post? not too bad, eh? =)

an early morning.

i woke up at 4:30 this morning. for no apparent reason, besides the fact that my throat was terribly swollen and raw. as i lay in bed, i could seriously ONLY think of how wonderful a popsicle sounded. so i dragged my sore self out of bed, put on a sweatshirt and made haste for jewel. thank goodness it opened at five. i grabbed some orange juice along with my frozen relief and ate three, two cherries and an orange, on my way home... cherry is definitely my favorite. i had to brush my teeth twice to get the color stains off.

i couldn't go back to bed, and since church didn't start until 10:45... i had a lot of time to kill.

it's amazing the things you can get done in the morning! not only did i finally get around to watching food, inc... i bought a few (awesome!!) vintage dresses off of etsy (not too much damage to the wallet, but still, i blame my rationalizations on the wee hours), i cleaned my room, did some yoga, and even had time for a little reading. i am currently reading through pride and prejudice for the third time and, literally, it has kept me sane these past few weeks.

it was refreshing, surprisingly.

eavesdropping

"today is deaf chapel..."
"how is that going to work?
laughing "i was wondering the same thing."

it took all my strength to not turn around and slap them.


Lord, open our ears to the unheard

our eyes to the unseen.




we are so ridiculously ignorant.

(hard) keys

public safety broke my id.

well, no. not really. i sat on it and it cracked. they just failed to program it correctly.

consequently. i have to use my lovely set of hard keys to get my lonesome self into my room.

i love using my hard keys. i like the way they jingle. clank. and weigh my pocket down. and that they're incredibly hard to lose. i feel grown up for once in my life, and in a way, these keys have turned my dorm room into an apartment which i can call my own. they make me long for the future; i can smell its breath on the tip of my tongue. it entices me, playfully. and i'm lovin it.

it's been three weeks and i haven't felt the need to fix the problem...




gah. let's move. you and i. away from here. far far away. from wheaton. from college. from childhood.

in fact, let's go to portland. we can drive. just you and i. with the wind, cascading over the tips of our fingers, will come our freedom; the warmth in our laughter is all the love we will need. our kisses will quench our thirst, our embraces will fill our hunger. let's drop it all and leave. they might miss us, but we surely won't miss them.

media mediates human relationship.

i watched this amazing video in my anthro class today.

unfortunately i don't have time to write about it. but i have so many thoughts its crazy.

watch it. it's worth the hour of time.

seriously.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPAO-lZ4_hU

re: stacks

it was summer, that day.

and yet the air was cool and crisp.

like spring.

funny how wisconsin can do that.

surprise

everything that happens now, this is pouring rain, this is paralyzed.

the sky was blue. big.

my hand stretched out,

feeling the warmth of the sun.

distancing myself from reality, towards newness

renewal.

i've twisting to the sun i need to replace, all my love was down, in a frozen ground

but still, i sigh heaviness

and the strength surely will run

dry and almost

in all honesty

empty

whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?

i want to run and never turn back

away and never return

back to that spot, that sky

that song.

peace

it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away, your love will be safe with me.

ramu, i haven't seen in you in four years... but you will miss me.

apparently, i guess. that's what facebook told me when i deactivated my account.

i went to high school with the guy and was in the same prom group (of about 36... might i add) and so we were in the same pictures. which of course means we have some sort of relationship, which then means he will see that i am no longer on the grand ol' fb.

the things we subject ourselves to these days.

good lord.