home...

i have been thinking a lot about it.

and honestly. i am not sure anymore. because if i can't feel at home here, can i really be at home anyplace else?

this summer has been, well, slightly different than i had originally thought. and that is because i generally have incredibly high expectations for whatever and however i do things. it's a problem actually. but whatever. that is a post for another day, i presume.

this summer was also hard. not hard in the way that i am used to. summers used to be constantly going... back and forth, never stopping. but not this tim. i mean, i could sleep basically whenever i wanted. i could read whatever i wanted. watch whatever i wanted. besides that 16 page research paper in the beginning - i was free to do whatever i wanted.

and i did. and it tasted sweet.

at some points.

but "freedom" fails to find satisfaction when you're alone, i feel.

my family is wonderful. simply wonderful and i love them. with all the understanding i can muster for the word 'love' ("what is love? baby don't hurt me, don't..." sorry. whole new post, i predict). yet, coming back home after three years away... things are bound to change. their worlds can't stop for mine. and they didn't. they tried, but i understood. and so many nights, i spent reading. or sewing (a fine new habit i have picked up). alone.

and i felt strangely foreign in my own house. separated from the other inhabitants... i am rethinking my insistence to have my own space. like a guest. and honored guest, mind you. but a guest nonetheless.

so i am left with this: where is home?

there is this song by edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros. i have been listening to it constantly recently. seems to capture my desire for answers.

sorry for the crappy youtube (butts and such) performance. but internet sucks at my house and it was too much of an hassle to store the song... and whatever. i love her short hair though. if i had a longer face, maybe. but i think short hair would make my face look incredibly round and fat.

unsupposing

i am lost,

amongst

a sea

of such

sweltering

oblivion.

adrift.

drowning,

headlong,

in their

twitter

and

iphones.

blindess brings such bliss.

i suppose

the great gatsby re-visited.

it was lonely for a day or so until one morning some man, more recently
arrived than i, stopped me on the road.
"how do you get to West Egg Village?"
he asked helplessly.
i told him. And as i walked on, i was lonely no longer
i was a guide. a pathfinder. an original settler. he had casually conferred me
the freedom of the neighborhood.

such a beautiful stint of words...

love this book.

awake my soul

this song is everything right now. it brings to mind the feelings i am struggling to describe. in a purple tearful haze, it brings the beat of hope

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

I struggle to find any truth in your lies

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know

This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

Lend me your eyes I can change what you see

But your soul you must keep, totally free

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul

Awake my soul

You were made to meet your maker

i'm in love...

with tights and shorts, thrift stores, and flea markets.
summer hazes, purple sunsets.
and pomegranate martinis
with pondering, dreaming, and creating
and dance classes.
and my new diana camera.


oh and with this song:

Are you late.
It's always hate.
Troubles in your mind.
Take back the pain.
We got the rain.
Dont know why.

Sweetness comes and goes
and I'm always here to stay.
Reaching out and find that I'll never bee late.
Sweet dogs.
Sweet rain.
Never come and go.
I'm ohh so fine and ready to blow.
I'm ohh so fine and ready to blow.

Take back the line.
go back - I'm sure.
Everytime I want more.
Tke back the fruit.
I'm here to rule.
All the time - I'm sure.
Sweet talk.
Back clap.
Ohh baby.
It all make sense.
This is how you keep waiting
and I dont know why.

Always watch them with bright eyes.
Cant you see all is not right .
Always watch them with bright eyes.
Cant you see all is not right.

sweet dogs by trolle and siebenhaar

the traveling wilburys

traveling wilburys... george harrison, bob dylan, tom petty. roy orbison. what more can you ask for? great men. great song. great fashion. (check out tom petty's hat.) and i love bob dylan's nonchalant attitude. plus, you cannot deny that georgie aged well...

rebirth

i sit,
waiting. for change.
blaming myself for
the way things
are
or, rather,
the way
they used to
be.

please.
leave my poor
body and my soul,
alone. they
ache
underneath your
massive, tantalizing,
and heavy
weight.

tempting.
dizzyingly so.
your stench smells
so putridly
sweet.
i knew you
so long ago.
and yet, like
new you are
reborn.

the lazarus affect

i know i have been posting a lot of videos recently, but i haven't quite found enough inspiration to get myself to write. hopefully it will come soon, but until then... i thought this was interesting. incredible, really.

Vivre sa vie

j'adore les films français. particulièrement films par Jean-Luc Goddard. merci Madame Abel de me présenter à une telle beauté...

vadoinmessico

a wee little band out of england. i actually can't find out much about them. so much so that i have to listen to them on myspace. i got lucky and found them on npr... yes i am that big of a nerd.

love the lyrics though.

love is spelled maggie

here are some shots of my favorite little one ever. she and i spent a lot of time together this year. and i love her. i took pictures of her all the time, but they were always on her parents camera. so. i finally got mine out during a play date, gusied her up, and went outside... only to realize on the way home that i had my white balance and iso settings all off. shoot. oh well. so if the pictures seem a little noisy, that's why. yeah. i am kinda disappointed too, but you live and you learn.






oh the belly. the belly, the belly!

summertime

it is definitely summer. going to bed at 7pm... waking up at ten. that's 15 hours of sleep. hmmm.

i find myself often wandering around, lost, confused, wondering what exactly i should do. this new idea of laziness is not sitting well with me. it is shocking, like a bitter taste in my mouth. thank god that work starts on monday. i need a little structure in my life.

maybe tomorrow i will go to the pool.

today i went to the grocery store to buy some food that i could eat. i have been living on apples and fruit roll ups for the past three days. it was about time that i was able to eat some real food. that is, of course, if you call anything gluten free "real." i also finished my room and its nice to have that done. since i left the nest first, my room was taken over by my youngest sister which has, consequently, resulted in no permanent place for me to sleep. so in pay back i commandeered her play room. it's yellow, vibrant, and has three huge windows that let in enough sun to wake you up at seven. (however apparently that doesn't apply to me.) i was able to use my own personal touch and am happy with how it turned out - a nice little home in a house that is oddly so foreign to me. maybe i will put pictures up eventually cause i am quite please with it. the only downside is that it is in the basement, which still freaks me out at night and leaves me with the horrible view of our brick retaining wall and air conditioning. oh well.

i am so excited! i have decided to learn how to sew. often times, i have gone to thrift stores and found AWESOME items and yet didn't buy them cause they weren't exactly what i wanted. but no longer! i am going to "edit" them with my mom's barely used sewing machine. i already found a skirt that needs to be hemmed. oh am i excited! it can't be that hard, right?

speaking of thrifting. i checked out the local good-will and was pleasantly surprised. so much so that i bought way too much. maybe i will start selling online. i have been inspired by the plethora of women out there who thrift and resell. it seems like such an awesome idea. if only i had enough time. hmmm. we will see. i already have some cool items (including some awesome shoes that i would keep for myself if they weren't too small)... i am just trying to decide between etsy and ebay. let me know if you have any suggestions.

alex martinez

i came across his work the other day and fell in love with his use of color and lines. i feel like it is getting harder and harder to be new and creative in photography... especially in the fashion world. but his work was so breathtaking and beautiful. at least to me, and i am no art critic, so take it with a grain of salt. unfortunately, i couldn't post my favorite picture, so these will have to suffice. but still, beautiful. check out the rest of his stuff here and here.

Anthony Frederick Augustus Sandys.

maybe i'm partial. but i love this.

via

faces of the street

from portland... (which, i have come to acknowledge as my own personal promised land)

via

this is what i would love to do eventually, by the way. capture the beauty of our creator in his own creation. forget nursing school.

home is...

eighty degrees. goodness. i haven't been in this type of weather since like, well, since i left this place. maybe this why i haven't come back. either that or the fakeness i see swarming around like the fire ants that are attacking the remains of someone's bagel lying beneath my table. skinny butts don't match big boobs. im sorry. but they just don't.

i am apprehensive. i stick out like a sore thumb. my mom would be to differ, but i think its pretty obvious. i think it will be good for me, though. maybe.

i hope. ha.

mumford & sons

Have i ever mentioned how much i love them?

listing

because it's way more fun than writing my paper.

things that are getting me through:
1) frozen chais
2) my ipod... specifically hall & oates. (thank god for the eighties)
3) gelatto
4) with that, lactaid pills
5) rolled down windows
6) my bike. (it's blue, it's vintage, it's my baby)
7) bright green cups at la spiaza. and straws.
8) tulips
9) yellow dresses
10) texting my mom

things that are NOT getting me through:
1) sunshine tempting me away from my studies
2) finals
3) checking 50 girls out of their rooms
4) finals
5) headaches from lack of sleep and stress
6) finals
7) realizing just how horrible i am at chemistry
8) finals
9) seriously having no motivation
10) oh... and did i mention finals?

wolfmother

ha. the fact that i actually listen to them more than occasionally makes me laugh.

but seriously.

feelin' blue...

finals are right around the corner.

i have no motivation left.

the internet is always slow

and i don't have a steady enough income, or good reason, to feed my growing thrifting wants:

pinstripe 90's jumper found here...... blue and white vintage print dress
90's denim smock dress (would look greater with a belt)... 70s era smock dress found here

feeling the burden of finals makes it harder to actually go out and look for similar, and dare i say much cheaper, stuff. which seems to qualify internet purchasing. i think. but oh... can i really validate something like this?

something tells me no.

by the way. i am slowly and painfully learning how to edit posts through html. i feel slightly accomplished. although, given that i was supposed to write a paper during the time i took to figure all that crap out, i think i am just compensating for my utter lack of any desire to finish out school... hmmm. priorities, much?

dear Father.
be near to me. my heart is weak, broken under all this pain and stress. may you be my strength. my peace. my comfort. even when all seems to fail around me, still YOU stand tall.
praise always to you, Lord.