i can't write this paper...

so i dance, round n' round, in my head.

and in my room.

currently arcade fire. then some thomas function. and animal collective. maybe some youth group. and noah and the whale.

and, of course, some black eyed peas.



oh the freedom that comes when no one is watching. sometimes i praise the Lord for my single dorm room.



but only sometimes.

forward march.

you peel
and feel,
scratching at the inner walls
of a heart, weakened
from flightless desperation.

i sit,
embarrassed in
the utmost and mortifying way.
i know now the wrong
doings of my pathetic choice to stay.

fade away.
beneath the
gray sky. you no longer
have hold on me. your words
no longer lie to my willing ears.

elane

gray. her hair was gray.

and she liked to wear purple. and elephants.

her heart danced in a way that that her swollen feet could not. her smile, her laugh, her song. joy emitted beneath a body ridden with age and diabetes. her hands were soft and small, and yet their wrinkles shouted strength, weathered from years of powdered milk and food stamps. and three young boys to raise.

she always wore pink on her lips and topaz on her ears. and her necklaces always jingled the same exact tune. a creature of habit, i had assumed. now i wonder if she was merely physically, emotionally or mentally incapable of picking anything else.

her eyes shone, bright despite the past pains. long gone struggles. nights wondering where the next meal to come. days alone, while her husband tried to make ends meet.

i know her eyes shone. i can see it in the pictures and i know it my head. i try to tell myself over and over. because i know it to be true. over and over. her eyes. they shone. sparkled. lustrous. brilliant. tiny spheres of happiness.

but, in my heart, i can only see her haunting, lifeless eyes. dark and blank, like her mind. only those eyes are what i see. in every memory. in every dream.

because, for some reason, all i really remember are the days she began to slip away.

comfort food

...or rather lack thereof.

hard day, hard week, hard semester, hard flippin' year - all you want is something good to eat. something savory - like cereal, for example. or grilled cheese. or ice cream. or maybe, even, just a piece of bread. with some peanut butter.

please?

... i just realized twix has gluten in it. crap. i have eaten a plethora of mini twix bars within the last ten minutes. and i never once thought about the yummy, crunchy wafer middle. crap crap crap. oh well. headaches galooore tomorrow, i suppose...

stupid stupid food allergies.

how i hate you all.

recently

the only words i can express when i enter into the presence of the Lord seem to be:

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

it has literally become my breath-prayer. said, over and over with the patterns of my lungs...

(in) Lord Jesus Christ... (out) have mercy on me.

realization

i don't know how to do life.

there, i said it.

i suck at life.

at relationships
at being an RA
at love
at community
at anything of any particular consequence.

sometimes, i wish it would all leave me behind. just go ahead and move on without me.



it would be so much easier that way.

blue skies

'this is the last song i write, while i'm still in love with you... while you're even on my mind...

cause it's time to leave those feelings behind. i'll do anything to be happy'







... yeah right.


please leave me alone. i cannot take this anymore.

conversations...

"ha. we know. i speak for the lot of us."

"i should write a book. it should be titled 'things i learned while dating a philosopher.'"

"haha. well trust me. i can defend myself every time. not that i'm always justified in it, but i'm more or less

my days recently

wake up
go to breakfast with a girl on my floor
nap
homework
go to chapel
go to class
lunch with a girl on my floor
nap
homework
yoga
dinner with a girl on my floor
clean my room (because i can sufficiently dirty it within a day)
hang out with girls on my floor
homework
sleep



i need a break

a tribute to M. Jones

eavesdropping

"today is deaf chapel..."
"how is that going to work?
laughing "i was wondering the same thing."

it took all my strength to not turn around and slap them.


Lord, open our ears to the unheard

our eyes to the unseen.




we are so ridiculously ignorant.

crossroad

i am sitting in night class.

it's been two hours thus far. two freakishly long hours.

good god.

i pass the time researching everything that has been wrong with my life, trying to fit pieces together. but as hard as i try, nothing seems to fit. it gets frustrating after while, and so i quit. start paying attention. i have never been able focus long enough to attempt puzzles anyways.

i have thomas function running through my head and its killing me. literally killing me.

...“In the asshole of the gutter I have found a little peace, I open up my mouth and try to sing myself to sleep”...

seriously. where the heck did they come from? and why can't i stop singing those lyrics.

she said i was "highly" ADD.

and that i, "most likely", have a learning disorder.

well thanks. i am a junior in college and you are telling me that now. i feel betrayed. angered, really. i have tried so... so, for lack of better word, fucking hard my whole life and you are telling me that i could have made it easier? that there is a way out of this hole of frustration. a way over this wall of struggle.

seriously. thanks.

you have exhausted me. i can literally feel my neurons shooting sporadically around in my brain. it's wonderful, this brand new sensation, let me tell you.

so i here i am. (arms open so, so wide)

standing at a crossroads.

i can't tell where i should go, which path i should choose. i have "coped" for so long. and if i continue to cope, it would be so much easier for so many people so drenched in denial. it would be easier, and yet so much harder. but should i just swallow my pride, my discomfort, my frustration in order to please those whom i love?

and then there are those little things called principles...

stupid principles...

(hard) keys

public safety broke my id.

well, no. not really. i sat on it and it cracked. they just failed to program it correctly.

consequently. i have to use my lovely set of hard keys to get my lonesome self into my room.

i love using my hard keys. i like the way they jingle. clank. and weigh my pocket down. and that they're incredibly hard to lose. i feel grown up for once in my life, and in a way, these keys have turned my dorm room into an apartment which i can call my own. they make me long for the future; i can smell its breath on the tip of my tongue. it entices me, playfully. and i'm lovin it.

it's been three weeks and i haven't felt the need to fix the problem...




gah. let's move. you and i. away from here. far far away. from wheaton. from college. from childhood.

in fact, let's go to portland. we can drive. just you and i. with the wind, cascading over the tips of our fingers, will come our freedom; the warmth in our laughter is all the love we will need. our kisses will quench our thirst, our embraces will fill our hunger. let's drop it all and leave. they might miss us, but we surely won't miss them.