wicker park

the smell of freshly used books lines my head distracting me as i try to stare, however blankly at the page in front of me, watching dully as words blend into sentences, paragraphs. god, who cares. i shift, uncomfortably and yet, oh so affectionately in the old dusty chair below me. my shoes are cast off, my feet deepening within the old rug. i want to stay here forever, among these carefully bound thoughts.

i sigh. get up. walk over. glance. i should be studying, but descartes memoirs surprisingly seem interesting. thumbing the worn pages, i laugh at myself. yeah. right. that would never happen.

i feel so trapped. angered. desperate for some kind of change, some kind of freedom.

surrendering my hopes for any chapter read, i pick up my things and cross the busy street. the sounds, the smells, the smoke, all such a welcome alternative from lazy and plaintive suburbia. i walk back to the train. too bemused by my own thoughts to notice the two men staring at me from across the subway's narrow passageway.

such longing.

such loneliness.

recently, really, i have been realizing how dull my life has become. subdued by passive and placid administration, rules, grades, culture gods. i hate the way i don't think. the way i sit and let the world go by following direction like some pathetic lamb. and. for lack of better analogy, i am being lead away from any individualistic desire or hope. instead, i am headed towards green pastures and still waters.

shit

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat"

ramu, i haven't seen in you in four years... but you will miss me.

apparently, i guess. that's what facebook told me when i deactivated my account.

i went to high school with the guy and was in the same prom group (of about 36... might i add) and so we were in the same pictures. which of course means we have some sort of relationship, which then means he will see that i am no longer on the grand ol' fb.

the things we subject ourselves to these days.

good lord.

for lack of better words

my. head. hurts.

period.

stupid flu.

nothing much to write, really. it's hard to write when everything hurts so badly. gosh. i want to cry but no tears will come. and yes, it's because of what you think it's because. if you think you know what i am talking about...

"Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart

And all is darkened in the vale of tears;

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fulness all He takes away."

(I love this verse! I had never heard it before chapel today. The Lord knew I needed it.)

love actually... is sacrifice.

in the midst of my deep isolation (thank you wheaton college), i watched love actually for the first time. true, it is not even close to christmas and i am in no hurry to usher the holiday season in, but i had heard so much about this movie that i felt some pressing to need to watch it.

it was a good movie, but i was not particularly moved by it. most of it was hard to understand exactly. but maybe that was the fever working against me...or the heavy accents. whatever the reason, i was lost for about half of it.

basically, it is a series of several love stories all hinged on the fact that it was christmas. something was in the air that made all of these characters reach out for outlandish hopes, and somehow magically attain all that their hearts desired. one girl even managed to woo the prime minister, played by the very dashing and lovable hugh grant.

don't get me wrong, please. i didn't hate it. in fact, i wouldn't mind owning it and watching it again. but i thought it had some interesting things to say about love.

what's sad to me, is that only two our of the... gosh, eight (?) stories showed real love. sure, the others were fun to watch, and i would be lying to say that i wasn't tempted to want that for myself. but those passionate, sweep-me-up-into-your-arms moments aren't real love. love is sacrifice. i think we can see that through Jesus, and the ultimate love he showed by dying on the cross, not to be cliche or anything.

i loved that sarah sacrificed her passionate and long awaited relationship attempt with ben to continue adequately loving her mentally ill brother.

and i loved that henry chose to stay with his wife. and i guess kiera knightley's character did that too. sacrificing seemingly easier relationships, for the ones that are true and real. because real love isn't easy. and yes it can be passionate at times, but real love lasts when the passion dies.

i guess these past couple of days i have been processing real love and what it looks like. what it feels like, even. and i have found that love is often not exactly what you want to do all the time. it's admitting you're wrong when you want to be right. it's stepping down when you want to stand up. it's allowing yourself to break when you really want to be whole. and sometimes, i think, it's saying goodbye when you wish you could say hello.

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends"

John 15:13

isolation.

apparently running a fever and body aches are enough to get you isolated for a few days.

great.

just what i needed.

time by myself.

to think.

and dwell in all the things that are going through my mind right now.

yessssssss.

for venetta

i needed a word today. an inspiration. a line

i needed God today. so much so that it made me hurt inside. i could literally feel myself longing for Him with an ever present desire and strength, filled with angst and pain. i could not escape the question that had been raking my mind for days now: "where is He?"

and then i thought of venetta sweet sweet venetta, whose name i wasn't even sure how to spell. (yes, i actually looked it up on google.)

she isn't directly related to me, actually. she is my mom's sister's mother-in-law, but i do not remember a time when she wasn't in my life. i saw her on random occasions, mostly my cousins' graduations, but in some ways she was somewhat of a third grandma to me. i had always appreciated her words of kindness, and i admired her deep and grounded love for the Lord.

venetta is old. almost ninety, in fact. and her struggle with osteoporosis has caused her to bend at an almost ninety degree angle. once a lady of strong, tall stature, she is now frail and petite, having shuffle along with effort if she wants to go anywhere. her voice shakes so badly that it is hard to understand her words when she is talking to you, and often, she forgets what she wanted to say next. she is no longer independent and lives in a nursing home near her daughter. it was a hard move for, i am sure, but she is firm in her faith and knows that God can use her wherever he chooses.

and yet, this lady amazes me. she loves, no... adores the Lord. even after her husband died years ago. even when she sees friend after friend pass away. even as she is so often overlooked and misunderstood, she loves the Lord. and that love still impacts those around her, including myself.

i saw her last weekend, while up visiting my grandparents and i told her, somewhat, of the struggle i have been feeling for so long. she looked up at me, with her pale blue eyes, and smiled such a kind smile that i knew she understood. "isn't it hard," she said. "when the Lord decides to put you through that?" i had to agree. she continued. "He tries and tries to get your attention, and finally puts you through something that makes you land on your knees. but you know, He is there. all the time. He is there."

i looked at her. amazed. how did she know? i asked. "because. He loves us," came the reply. so simple.

as i left the next day, she pulled me aside and hurried me to her room. (hurried is, of course, a completely relevant word.) she gave me a worn out copy of streams in the desert by Mrs. Chas E. Cowman. she told me that she thought it would help me. "i have dozens" she said, smiling. "i hope it helps you as it helped me."

and so i picked it up today, on a whim of desperation and i turned to the page titled "november 11" because it seemed so fitting.

and venetta. it helped.

you have shown me God

“When across the heart deep waves of sorrow
Break, as on a dry and barren shore;
When hope glistens with no bright tomorrow,
And the storm seems sweeping evermore;

“When the cup of every earthly gladness
Bears no taste of the life-giving stream;
And high hopes, as though to mock our sadness,
Fade and die as in some fitful dream,

“Who shall hush the weary spirit’s chiding?
Who the aching void within shall fill?
Who shall whisper of a peace abiding,
And each surging billow calmly still?

“Only He whose wounded heart was broken
With the bitter cross and thorny crown;
Whose dear love glad words of Joy had spoken,
Who His life for us laid meekly down.

“Blessed Healer, all our burdens lighten;
Give us peace, Thine own sweet peace, we pray!
Keep us near Thee till the morn shall brighten,
And all the mists and shadows flee away!”

i started a blog...

...because i was tired of facebook. basically.

i want to journal more. i want to think more. i want to process. and i honestly do not have time anymore to sit down and write in my actual journal as much as i would like, so maybe this will be the answer. maybe. i hope.

this year has been a year of learning. well, in actuality, it has been the past year and a half. i have been constantly growing, changing, shifting. i am learning to slow down and enjoy the life as it passes and not look so fervently towards the future. i am learning to breathe in the air that comes to us each and every day, to feel it renew my strength and my soul. i am learning to love the Lord with all my heart, to follow Him even when the path is dark and i cannot see Him or His hand. and finally, i am learning to leave the past behind me in order to receive the gift of community, even when it stings and hurts me at times.

and i want to record this. the Lord did not give me this past year and a half for nothing. he is doing something, deep within me, to fulfill me to His fullest, His plan for my life.

and i don't want to just let this slip by.

so here it goes...

'I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing.'

2 Samuel 24:24